The Heinrich Show

I live 16.4 miles away from my job, which means I drive 32.8 miles round trip daily. I actually drive MORE than that….so round up to 35 miles a day.

If I work 20 days a month x 35 miles a day, I drive 700 miles a month JUST to work and back.

What would be the monthly cost of the following cars?

1. A HUMMER! Yeah baby! These bad boys get 10 miles to the gallon around town.

700 miles / 10 mpg = 70 gallons a month * $4 = $280 a month in gas.
700 miles / 10 mpg = 70 gallons a month * $5 = $350 a month in gas.

2. The Toyota FJ Cruiser. I know the fuel economy sucks and the blind spots are everywhere, but I really like this car! It’s listed at 18… but most people get 16 mpg.

700 miles / 16 mpg = 44 gallons a month * $4 = $176 a month in gas.
700 miles / 16 mpg = 44 gallons a month * $5 = $220 a month in gas.

3. A Volkswagen Beetle. It’s what I drive now, gets about 20 miles to the gallon around town.

700 miles / 20 mpg = 35 gallons a month * $4 = $140 a month in gas.
700 miles / 20 mpg = 35 gallons a month * $5 = $175 a month in gas.

4. A Toyota Prius. I am really liking this car…45 miles to the gallon around town!

700 miles / 45 mpg = 16* gallons a month * $4 = $64 a month in gas.
700 miles / 45 mpg = 16* gallons a month * $5 = $80 a month in gas.

*I rounded up Mathletes…

So…. we can conclude the following:
1) The Toyota Prius would cut my fuel consumption in HALF and let me drive in the HOV lane. Plus, every time I hit the brakes, I would be storing energy… which gives the engineer in me “a chubby”.

2) The difference between buying an FJ and a Beetle is negligible.

In 2009, when I can afford it, I think I am getting the 3rd Generation Hybrid Prius…

The new iPhone, with GPS and 3G speeds, it apparently coming soon. The Apple Store is “Currently Unavailable” of iPhones, something you have never seen.

I have no plans to get one. Yet!

A Kuwaiti national who was once a guest of Hotel Guantanomo, launched a suicide attack in Iraq.

What lesson can we learn from this?

• Detainees in Guantanamo Bay will REALLY LOVE America after having been given the four star treatment as a guest of the American Military.

or

• Detainees in Guantanamo Bay will be looking for some PAYBACK.

I’d be interested to see how Fox News spins this one…

If you are not watching BBC Americas “That Mitchell and Webb Look…” you are missing some really great comedy.

I think this poster says it all….

The Spring Class Party of 2008 was great. The house was packed to the rafters, and we danced all night.

I saw this “Sloganizer” web app, and I popped my name in… I liked the results.

I am sticking with the motto of the Heinrich Show, of course.

The Hutch send me this…. too funny.

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower and stand on bath mat.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bath mat.

Dry off forearms and butt only.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the
woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

I like to watch “Hell’s Kitchen”. Gordon Ramsay, the screaming Scottish chef, uses some really great British words that are not found in American English.

On this week’s show, he screamed at the contestants:

“YOU ARE STANDING THERE GORMLESS!!”

Now he said it pretty fast, and most Americans would have figured he said, “Clueless” (which has the same meaning).

“Gormless” does NOT appear in the Oxford American Dictionary.

But it does appear in the American Heritage Dictionary (Fourth Edition).

gormless

Update: The Hutch suggested “Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares”. It is AWESOME! Not only is the concept BETTER (turning around failing restaurants), but the British slang just FLIES! I have updated comments with some of the goodies.