The Heinrich Show

This thing ROCKS!

Want to see some old pictures?

Check it out!

I was reading the Internet, and I came across an ad to BUY A GOAT for an Ethiopian child. Good idea! Goats are valuable, eat everything, provide milk, meat and can be trained to fill out complex insurance forms.

I click on the link and get to Save the Children site. They go on to say that $30 BUYS a goat AND it will be MATCHED by local wealthy people so really, your 30 bucks buys TWO goats.

What a deal right?

What the heck does a goat cost in Ethopia? I decided to find out. A scholarly paper on the study of feeding goats in Ethiopia pegs the price of a goat at 20 to 35 birr (the currency of Ethiopia).

Yahoo has a currency converter and figuring at the VERY TOP END, a fully loaded tricked out goat would be 35 birr, which is US $2.76.

Nice. Save the Children is charging you 10 TIMES the cost of a goat. They spend 5 bucks to get two goats, and keep the remaining $25.

You feel good.

A kid gets two goats.

Save the Children keeps the cash.

Nice business model.

Whenever I hear Bing Crosby singing “White Christmas” I always crack a smile.

Here is my story:

In June 1986 I finished my tour of duty at Brawdy, Wales. I was sent to NORFOLK, VA, the worst place on plant Earth, for additional training before heading off to my next Navy gig.

As fortune would have it, 3 other guys who were at Brawdy with me happened to be in Norfolk as well. We decided to all go out for a night of drinking and merriment. ALL THREE of the other guys wanted to go to “Go-Go” bar.

I was dead set against this, and here is why. A “Go-Go” bar is where girls dressed in bikinis dance on stage while pathetic sailors oogle them and drink over priced beer. Waste of time and money. Further, I was SUPREMELY annoyed at being overruled on this issue.

We get to the bar and I take the seat with a back to the stage. I have no interest in what is dancing on the stage. I noticed that all the music was coming from the juke box, and I reasoned that if I had be stuck here, I might as well get to listen to the music that I LIKE.

I went to the jukebox and perused the selection. Mostly crap, nothing I liked.

BUT! THERE ON THE BOTTOM RIGHT HAND CORNER was Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas”. My evil plan immediately came together. I asked the bartender for 10 dollars in quarters and proceeded to pick that song 40 times.

I sat back down to rejoin my comrades with a big grin on my face. All I had to do was wait.

I distinctly remember the LAST song was some Prince bump-and-grind tune, and then it came on… Bing’s voice..”aaaaaaaaaahhhhmmmm dreeeeeamming of a Whiiiiiite..”

The reaction was instant. The dancers were furious. “Who put this crap on!?”, they shrieked. The pathetic patrons were annoyed, and the bartender was puzzled. My comrades looked at me and instantly knew this was my handiwork.

The bartender told the girls to take a break until the song ended.

Next song on the jukebox… Bing’s voice..”aaaaaaaaaahhhhmmmm dreeeeeamming of a Whiiiiiite..”

Now there was a real commotion as the bartender wanted to advance the song on the Jukebox, but it was a sealed unit and they were all helpless but to listen to this song for the next 2 hours (the song is 3:06 in duration).

I drank the last of my beer, smiled at my friends and said, “Do you guys want to get out of here now?”

Huh?

Didn’t summer just end like 20 minutes ago?

What’s next? Christmas ??!!

Sweet Fancy Moses, I am snowed under with teaching and work and life and stuff. I need a personal assistant or something.

Or a vacation.

Hmmm.. poker all night Wednesday.

Day off Thursday.

Chill Friday, Saturday and SUNDAY!?

Sounds great to me.

Everybody has a birthday, and it comes but once a year. I think you should make a special effort to make someone’s birthday a memorable affair.

When my birthday comes, I am usually miserable, thinking about where my life is, what I could have become, asking myself the tough questions like, “How come I don’t have a flying car?”, “Where is my HoloDeck?” and “Why don’t I drive a Porsche?”.

Two years ago, I was in the depths of a depression that no counseling or medication could solve. There was only one cure for what ailed me: Brazil! I came back refreshed and happy and a changed man.

This year, I was lucky enough to have a nice birthday party with friends and loved ones. I even had a cake that had poker cards on it! Again, it was very nice.

A student in my Saturday class happened to have her birthday fall on a Saturday when she was in class with me. This nice young lady, far from home, I went out and got a cake and candles and hats… and we all sang “Happy Birthday” for her. I felt nice making sure that someone had a nice birthday far from home.

If you have someone in your life who you love, and it is their birthday, MAKE IT A NICE ONE!! Don’t pick a fight with them on their birthday. Be nice enough to at least get them a cake. Or flowers. Or a card. People remember what happens on their birthday, and the memory of a bad birthday is hard to erase.

If you are like me, you may be thinking, “John Hodgeman doesn’t get enough coverage in the media”.

We all remember how he started his career on the Muppet Show as “Dr Bunsen Honeydew”, but did you know that he is also an author and rather interesting bloggerer (er?).

Anyway, check out Areas of My Expertise and have a good laugh.

One of the Navy stories I tell is of my FIRST haircut at Great Mistakes Boot Camp. It goes a little something like this:

I had LONG blonde hair when I joined the Navy, and when I got to bootcamp, the first thing they did was shave my head.

My hair was so blonde, that my shaved hair was practically clear, and I looked bald. The effect totally rocked my world.

Standing in a freezing, unheated, quonset hut, the Recruit Commander addressed us newly shorn troops.

“THIS IS THE FIRST of FOUR HAIRCUTS you will receive while you are HERE in Great Lakes.”, he shouted.

My mind was reeling. “FIRST of FOUR!!?? FIRST OF FOUR!!?? MOTHERFUCKER, ONE WAS GODDAMN ENOUGH!! I am up for THREE MORE OF THESE??? SAY WHAT?! ” I thought to myself.

And my mouth inadvertently opened, “SAY WHAT??!”

“WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT!!???” Screamed the commander.

Oh shit, I said it…. well, he didn’t know it was me… so I will be quiet.

“WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT!!???” Screamed the commander looking for the guilty party.

The recruit next to me leaned forward, read my name tag and announced, “Beck said it, Sir.”

Thanks asshole.

“YOU!!” He pointed to me, “Get up here and give me 20! [push ups]”

“and YOU!!” He pointed to my informer, “Get up here and give me 40, for BACKSTABBIN!”

I did my 20 with a smile.

If you look at the video, it is a VERY MODERN and SANITIZED version of Boot Camp at Great Lakes now… when I was there, there were no women there.

Also in the video, at the ONE MINUTE mark, she says the fateful words, “this is where the recruits will get the first of four haircuts…”

We went apple picking out east…