The Heinrich Show

I wish I didn’t have 12 billion things to do today, otherwise, I’d be watching ALF on Hulu.com.

http://www.hulu.com/alf

For those of you who missed the video where Alf speaks German, it’s here and it’s still really funny (if you understand German, it’s REALLY funny)

http://www.iheinrich.com/blog/?p=766

This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the US department of energy.

I then took a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility.

After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC regulated channels to see what the National Weather Service of the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration determined the weather was going to be like using satellites designed, built, and launched by the  National Aeronautics and Space Administration.

I watched this while eating  my breakfast of US Department of Agriculture inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the Food and Drug Administration.

At the appropriate time as regulated by the US Congress and kept accurate by the National Institute of Standards and Technology and the US Naval Observatory, I get into my National Highway Traffic Safety Administration-approved automobile and set out to work on the roads build by  the local, state, and federal departments of transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the Environmental Protection Agency, using legal tender issued by the Federal Reserve Bank.

On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent  out via the US Postal Service and drop the kids off at the public school, where the teachers are required to pass government mandated courses and be state licensed to teach children.

After spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the workplace regulations imposed by the Department of Labor and the Occupational Safety and Health Administration, enjoying another two meals which again do not kill me because of the USDA, I drive my NHTSA car back home on the DOT roads, to my house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and fire marshal’s inspection, and which has not been plundered of all it’s valuables thanks to the local police department.

I then log on to the internet which was developed by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Administration and post on freerepublic.com and Fox News forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can’t do anything right.

I used to work with a guy named Mike Wazowski. One Monday, he came in and told us a really funny story about how he, and a guy named Chuck, lost power on their boat off the coast of Long Island and were nearly washed out to sea. Mike had ONE bar left on his cell phone and called his wife.

This thing ROCKS!

Want to see some old pictures?

Check it out!

I was reading the Internet, and I came across an ad to BUY A GOAT for an Ethiopian child. Good idea! Goats are valuable, eat everything, provide milk, meat and can be trained to fill out complex insurance forms.

I click on the link and get to Save the Children site. They go on to say that $30 BUYS a goat AND it will be MATCHED by local wealthy people so really, your 30 bucks buys TWO goats.

What a deal right?

What the heck does a goat cost in Ethopia? I decided to find out. A scholarly paper on the study of feeding goats in Ethiopia pegs the price of a goat at 20 to 35 birr (the currency of Ethiopia).

Yahoo has a currency converter and figuring at the VERY TOP END, a fully loaded tricked out goat would be 35 birr, which is US $2.76.

Nice. Save the Children is charging you 10 TIMES the cost of a goat. They spend 5 bucks to get two goats, and keep the remaining $25.

You feel good.

A kid gets two goats.

Save the Children keeps the cash.

Nice business model.

Whenever I hear Bing Crosby singing “White Christmas” I always crack a smile.

Here is my story:

In June 1986 I finished my tour of duty at Brawdy, Wales. I was sent to NORFOLK, VA, the worst place on plant Earth, for additional training before heading off to my next Navy gig.

As fortune would have it, 3 other guys who were at Brawdy with me happened to be in Norfolk as well. We decided to all go out for a night of drinking and merriment. ALL THREE of the other guys wanted to go to “Go-Go” bar.

I was dead set against this, and here is why. A “Go-Go” bar is where girls dressed in bikinis dance on stage while pathetic sailors oogle them and drink over priced beer. Waste of time and money. Further, I was SUPREMELY annoyed at being overruled on this issue.

We get to the bar and I take the seat with a back to the stage. I have no interest in what is dancing on the stage. I noticed that all the music was coming from the juke box, and I reasoned that if I had be stuck here, I might as well get to listen to the music that I LIKE.

I went to the jukebox and perused the selection. Mostly crap, nothing I liked.

BUT! THERE ON THE BOTTOM RIGHT HAND CORNER was Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas”. My evil plan immediately came together. I asked the bartender for 10 dollars in quarters and proceeded to pick that song 40 times.

I sat back down to rejoin my comrades with a big grin on my face. All I had to do was wait.

I distinctly remember the LAST song was some Prince bump-and-grind tune, and then it came on… Bing’s voice..”aaaaaaaaaahhhhmmmm dreeeeeamming of a Whiiiiiite..”

The reaction was instant. The dancers were furious. “Who put this crap on!?”, they shrieked. The pathetic patrons were annoyed, and the bartender was puzzled. My comrades looked at me and instantly knew this was my handiwork.

The bartender told the girls to take a break until the song ended.

Next song on the jukebox… Bing’s voice..”aaaaaaaaaahhhhmmmm dreeeeeamming of a Whiiiiiite..”

Now there was a real commotion as the bartender wanted to advance the song on the Jukebox, but it was a sealed unit and they were all helpless but to listen to this song for the next 2 hours (the song is 3:06 in duration).

I drank the last of my beer, smiled at my friends and said, “Do you guys want to get out of here now?”

Huh?

Didn’t summer just end like 20 minutes ago?

What’s next? Christmas ??!!

Sweet Fancy Moses, I am snowed under with teaching and work and life and stuff. I need a personal assistant or something.

Or a vacation.

Hmmm.. poker all night Wednesday.

Day off Thursday.

Chill Friday, Saturday and SUNDAY!?

Sounds great to me.